And again

Once again my day turned into hell.  I woke up and took the kids to school, got home around 7:30am, and immediately started working on the yard.  I got it all raked up and cleaned out the storage shed that my husband has been promising to do for the last month.  Then I hit the house and deep cleaned it.  I mean total all at, rearrange the kitchen, and scrub the tile of a four bedroom house deep clean.
My husband got home around two and sat down on the couch to watch tv.  I gave him over an hour to rest from work and then went out to the living room to nicely ask if he would help me.
"Do you want to help me please?"
"Later."
Those were the exact words.  So I didn't bother to ask again.  A Little bit later I make my way back into the kitchen.  It is completely torn apart so I can wipe out cupboards and rearrange it.
"You know cheap pizza would be good tonight since the kitchen is a mess."
"Ok go get it."
"I am really busy.  Would you go get it for us please?"
"I don't have any money."
"What happen to the 80 dollars you had this morning?"
"It's gone."
"Where did it go?"
"It's gone."
"Ok what happen to it?"
"I spent it."
"On what?"
"Stuff."
"Ok what stuff?"
"Stuff."
I go on to tell him how we are suppose to be building up communication in our relationship and he won't even talk to me about what he spent money on.  So I ask him if he would take some money from my purse and go get some cheap pizza.  He said no cause he didn't feel like pizza.  I asked him if he would do it to me nice to me and he said no.  I told him how I would like if occasionally he did something nice for me without me having to beg.  "Why?" was his answer.
Now remind you I am extremely pms ing right now, so I started to cry.  Some more time passes and he is getting ready for his evening job.  I pointed out that I moved my bed back into the room.  I even completely made it where it would be easy for us to snuggle at night.  A little random act of kindness because I knew how upset he has been that I have been sleeping in the living room.  I was proud of myself for doing that and told him how excited I was to lay down and cuddle with him tonight.
So I stay up and wait for him to come home from work.  He gets off at 10:10.  11:30 falls around and I call him, no answer.  This time I wasn't worried.  I knew he had decided to not come home.  I go to sleep and wake back up at one.  Still no husband and still no answer.  Now it is 5 am and I am awake and can't go back to sleep.  He is passed out in bed.  I have no clue what time he even bothered to come home.
Can't he be respectful enough to give me a call or txt mesg to let me know he was going out.  Especially after he knew how excited I was to have him come home after work.  Or even at least answer the phone.
I hate the man and I love him.  But everyday he keeps pushing me further and further away.  I can't wait to leave him.  I have already started the plan to where I will be able to support three kids on my own without him.  sometimes I wish I could tell him the plan so he knew how serious I was.  I want to tell him because he sits there so smug thinking I could never provide for myself and no one wants me.  I want to rub it in his face that soon I will be able to.  I just wish it was sooner rather than later.
I kind of also wish I had some guy that was interested in me.  Make my husband jealous and show him that I am a worth wild person.  Plus it would be really nice having the right attention come from a guy.  Plus the fact that I am so sex deprived.  It would do me wonders to have one good screw.  A night to just let go and fell like a real woman.
So for now I will just wait.  I will keep working on my plan and someday I won't have t worry about being sad and crying all the time.  Sometimes I wish I could make my plan just go a little faster.  But if I am patient; I won't have to go running back to him.  And I will finally have the life I deserve.

I am tired of being blamed

I am so tired of being blamed for everything. And the worst part is the blaming is behind my back, but I always find out about it. It is so hard to hang around people I used to know because of the stories they have been told. Plus the fact is that they are only hearing one side of the story and won't even take the time to hear the other side.
I am tired of being blamed for the house being dirty. It is said that I just come home and sit down like today. Well were they told that I worked 10 hours today while the other party was given the day off. And guess what the other party did all day. Played on the x box.
I am tired of being blamed that that person has to work two jobs. Well has he told anyone that one job only gives him 25 hours a week and the other gives him 15. That equals a standard 40 hour work week.
I am tired of being blamed for being so far behind in bills. I am working my butt off to try to get caught up. On average I work 55 hours a week. I am tired and exhausted and wish I could spend more time with my family.
I am tired of being blamed for why we didn't pay a "person" back yet. Well was it told that I first paid the rent and electricity so my kids had a roof over their heads. And grocery shopping so they have food in their bellies.
I am tired of being blamed for not being able to spend time together. Well was it said that I stayed up and waited only to have the other party decide to go to a bar without calling anybody. Or that a night both were free, I was told the other party would rather go to a party then be married to me.
I am tired of being yelled at for sleeping on the couch. I have explained that I sleep on the couch because it hurts to much to sleep in bed. I want so badly to be held. Instead I sleep alone on my side of the bed, while the other party sleeps as far away from me as possible. So really should it matter if I am in the bed or not when we already sleep 2 feet away from each other. Then being told if I slept in the bed things would be different. While I have been in the bed for the last for nights. and except for last night(when I was jumped on and tried to get sex out of me) not one hand has been laid on me. When asked I was told it was because it was uncomfortable to lay like that. Really, you can't even give me 5 mins of holding me. I am starving for affection.
Maybe I shouldn't care about what is being said, but it really affects me that people look down on me because of the lies coming out of one persons mouth.
I am fortunate that we have a friend in common that doesn't believe all the bull shit. She listens to my side of the story. And unlike all the other so called friends, she believes me about all the bull shit going on. This person makes everyone else believe that he is mister perfect and I am just being one big bitch. I hate it when I find out about another story that has been told about me. I want to yell at these people to open their fuckin eyes. You are being fed spoon fulls of bull shit and you like it.
I can't wait for the day I don't have to go through this anymore. If I stay strong and determined I will be able to do it.
That's all my ranting for tonight.
Happy reading!

So sad

Tonight I am so sad. My husband has a job at night from 7 to 10. I decided I would actually wait up for him. I was making an attempt on what has been nothing but a failed marriage. An hour after he was suppose to be home, I started to worry. I tried calling, but no answer. After a couple times of calling and no answer, I started to get really worried. As time passed I started to get more and more worried. I was shaking. He finally calls and he is at a bar.
I was going to surprise him by waiting up. Now I can't sleep. I'm up crying. Same thing I do a lot of nights. I am so sad right now. This is why I don't try anymore. Its why I just go through and live my life. I just wish so badly that things could be the way they used to be. When he couldn't wait to spend time with me. When he held me. When he would do nothing to hurt me.

My son is a butt head!

So this is my first day off in two weeks. Do I get to sleep in? No! My four year old wakes up at 6 am. All morning he has been running around with his head cut off. All morning he has been yelling at me and his sister; plus he has no patience this morning.

This morning was my husband's payday. We also had my "adopted" daughter Shauntelle spend the night. So I decided we would do donuts for breakfast. First we had to go get my husbands bank card and then gas. Aiden is sitting in his car seat in the back yelling at us that he wants donuts now. We tell him to hang on and we will go, then he starts crying.

We finally make it home and before I even put the car in park, he is crying that he wants out. I love my son to death. But it is only 9:15 and the whole house is ready to duct tape him to the wall.

I am tired of crying.

That's it, I am tired of crying. Plain and simple. No elaborate story as to why. Just I'm tired of crying.