So sad

Tonight I am so sad. My husband has a job at night from 7 to 10. I decided I would actually wait up for him. I was making an attempt on what has been nothing but a failed marriage. An hour after he was suppose to be home, I started to worry. I tried calling, but no answer. After a couple times of calling and no answer, I started to get really worried. As time passed I started to get more and more worried. I was shaking. He finally calls and he is at a bar.
I was going to surprise him by waiting up. Now I can't sleep. I'm up crying. Same thing I do a lot of nights. I am so sad right now. This is why I don't try anymore. Its why I just go through and live my life. I just wish so badly that things could be the way they used to be. When he couldn't wait to spend time with me. When he held me. When he would do nothing to hurt me.

My son is a butt head!

So this is my first day off in two weeks. Do I get to sleep in? No! My four year old wakes up at 6 am. All morning he has been running around with his head cut off. All morning he has been yelling at me and his sister; plus he has no patience this morning.

This morning was my husband's payday. We also had my "adopted" daughter Shauntelle spend the night. So I decided we would do donuts for breakfast. First we had to go get my husbands bank card and then gas. Aiden is sitting in his car seat in the back yelling at us that he wants donuts now. We tell him to hang on and we will go, then he starts crying.

We finally make it home and before I even put the car in park, he is crying that he wants out. I love my son to death. But it is only 9:15 and the whole house is ready to duct tape him to the wall.

I am tired of crying.

That's it, I am tired of crying. Plain and simple. No elaborate story as to why. Just I'm tired of crying.

Blog Dare 10/6/11

Saying goodbye

So today's blog dare's topic was saying goodbye.  When i read it I instantly thought of my mother.  She passed away two and a half years ago and I never had a chance to say goodbye.  My relationship with my mother wasn't a very loving one.  We had not said "I love you" to each other in over ten years.  Something I have regretted since the day she passed away.
We never expected that we would lose her so soon.  She was only 57 years old.  A major asthma attack had sent her into a heart attack.  She last oxygen for 45 mins.  They brought her back, but by that point she was brain dead.  My mom was a nurse and we knew that she did not want to remain on life support.  So when the test came back that she was officially brain dead, we honored her wishes and signed for the hospital to pull the plug.  We also signed the paper work for her to donate any organs.
After we had signed the paper work.  I leaned over and gave my sleeping mother a hug and a kissed her.  I said my final goodbye.  Everyone tells me that she knew I loved her and said goodbye.  It still doesn't feel the same as saying it to her when she was conscious.  So everyday i regret how long it had been since I told my mother I loved her.
Now with my kids i make sure to tell them 2 or 3 times a day that I love them.  I don't want them to have that same regret.

The test

Last night I decided to administer a test.  Yesterday I worked from 8:30am to 6:30pm.  when I got home my husband was leaving for work.  He works 3 hours in the evening.  I got home, ate dinner, swept and mopped the house, and did 3 loads of laundry.  I did not put the laundry away.  When I took the clothes out of the dryer, I piled them up on the couch.

This morning I got up to go to work.  I had to be to work at 8:30am again.  I took the kids to school.  My husband did not work today.  Now if you read any of my other posts, my husband claims that he gets mad when I ask him to do things.  That he would do things on his own if I didn't ask.  So when I left for work I did not say anything about the laundry.  I worked again today until 6:30pm, and guess what I found when I got home:

The test was to see if he did do things on his own without me asking.  The proof shows that he doesn't.  And he wonders why I treat him like a child.  When I got home I found him playing games on the computer.  No kids or work all day.  I can only assume he played games all day.