So sad

Tonight I am so sad. My husband has a job at night from 7 to 10. I decided I would actually wait up for him. I was making an attempt on what has been nothing but a failed marriage. An hour after he was suppose to be home, I started to worry. I tried calling, but no answer. After a couple times of calling and no answer, I started to get really worried. As time passed I started to get more and more worried. I was shaking. He finally calls and he is at a bar.
I was going to surprise him by waiting up. Now I can't sleep. I'm up crying. Same thing I do a lot of nights. I am so sad right now. This is why I don't try anymore. Its why I just go through and live my life. I just wish so badly that things could be the way they used to be. When he couldn't wait to spend time with me. When he held me. When he would do nothing to hurt me.

My son is a butt head!

So this is my first day off in two weeks. Do I get to sleep in? No! My four year old wakes up at 6 am. All morning he has been running around with his head cut off. All morning he has been yelling at me and his sister; plus he has no patience this morning.

This morning was my husband's payday. We also had my "adopted" daughter Shauntelle spend the night. So I decided we would do donuts for breakfast. First we had to go get my husbands bank card and then gas. Aiden is sitting in his car seat in the back yelling at us that he wants donuts now. We tell him to hang on and we will go, then he starts crying.

We finally make it home and before I even put the car in park, he is crying that he wants out. I love my son to death. But it is only 9:15 and the whole house is ready to duct tape him to the wall.

I am tired of crying.

That's it, I am tired of crying. Plain and simple. No elaborate story as to why. Just I'm tired of crying.

Blog Dare 10/6/11

Saying goodbye

So today's blog dare's topic was saying goodbye.  When i read it I instantly thought of my mother.  She passed away two and a half years ago and I never had a chance to say goodbye.  My relationship with my mother wasn't a very loving one.  We had not said "I love you" to each other in over ten years.  Something I have regretted since the day she passed away.
We never expected that we would lose her so soon.  She was only 57 years old.  A major asthma attack had sent her into a heart attack.  She last oxygen for 45 mins.  They brought her back, but by that point she was brain dead.  My mom was a nurse and we knew that she did not want to remain on life support.  So when the test came back that she was officially brain dead, we honored her wishes and signed for the hospital to pull the plug.  We also signed the paper work for her to donate any organs.
After we had signed the paper work.  I leaned over and gave my sleeping mother a hug and a kissed her.  I said my final goodbye.  Everyone tells me that she knew I loved her and said goodbye.  It still doesn't feel the same as saying it to her when she was conscious.  So everyday i regret how long it had been since I told my mother I loved her.
Now with my kids i make sure to tell them 2 or 3 times a day that I love them.  I don't want them to have that same regret.

The test

Last night I decided to administer a test.  Yesterday I worked from 8:30am to 6:30pm.  when I got home my husband was leaving for work.  He works 3 hours in the evening.  I got home, ate dinner, swept and mopped the house, and did 3 loads of laundry.  I did not put the laundry away.  When I took the clothes out of the dryer, I piled them up on the couch.

This morning I got up to go to work.  I had to be to work at 8:30am again.  I took the kids to school.  My husband did not work today.  Now if you read any of my other posts, my husband claims that he gets mad when I ask him to do things.  That he would do things on his own if I didn't ask.  So when I left for work I did not say anything about the laundry.  I worked again today until 6:30pm, and guess what I found when I got home:

The test was to see if he did do things on his own without me asking.  The proof shows that he doesn't.  And he wonders why I treat him like a child.  When I got home I found him playing games on the computer.  No kids or work all day.  I can only assume he played games all day.

10 Things I Want To Do To My House

Last May I moved into this wonderful house.  My friend needed to move to another city and needed someone to rent her house.  So I got a four bedroom house for less than $900 a month.  Finally, the kids have their own rooms.  They are so much happier.  The house is still in really good shape, but there are some things I would like to do to it.  So here is the list of ten things I would like to do to my house:

1) Line my driveway and porch with a brick barrier.  My front yard is a sand pit that comes up to the same level as my porch and driveway.  So i want to make an edging around that whole are to keep all the sand from being tracked onto the porch and then inside to my house.

2) Extend my driveway all the way to the road.  My driveway currently stops about 5 feet before the main road and is filled with rocks.  I want to lay a cement slap to extend my driveway all the way to the road.

3) New kitchen cabinets.  The kitchen cabinets are this awful white and stained from years of greasy cooking.

4) Fix my bathtub handles.  My bathtub handles are stripped.  So when you try to turn on the water, you have to push the handle back on.  And then once you let go it falls back down.  It is more annoying then anything.

5) Paint my whole house.  I promised my kids they could pick what color they wanted to paint there rooms.

6) Lay done wood flooring.  Right now we have tile and carpet in the rooms.  The carpet is a little frayed in the doorways.  It is livable, but I really want wood flooring.

7) Plant a flower garden.  The previous tenant tried to put a flower garden next to the front door.  It is not completely shambled.  I want to redo it.

8)  Replace my stove and fridge.  Again, completely usable, but I want new nicer ones.

9)  Install a dishwasher.  I hate always doing dishes by hand.

10) Replace the blinds.  They are old and broken.  I want to replace them.

Call me strange

So call me strange, but I actually get excited when I see I have a new follower.  I am still so new to blogging and my list is small but few.  But it is so nice to know that what I write is actually being viewed.  so for once I am not just talking to myself lol.  Comments!  Comments!  Comments!  I enjoy other peoples view (yes even the occasional criticism), but I am having fun with this and glad I started blogging!

On a side note, I wish the spell check would give you an add option so it will stop telling me all my lol are spelled wrong :)

Core values of a marriage

What are the core values of a marriage? I guess in every marriage it would be different depending on what the couple believes in. To me one of the big ones would be trust and honesty. I would also consider respect as a core value. Maybe teamwork too. Oh and what about appreciation?
Now what if the couple does not see eye to eye on some of the core values? My husband and I do not see eye to eye on a core value I hold very high: compromise. I believe that couples should be able to compromise and reach agreements that will keep both party's happy. The last couple weeks my husband has not been willing to compromise one little bit.
Anyone who read my last post knows about my husband not going to make the car payment.
The next day we got into an argument. You see I always will call up and ask my husband if he has done his basic responsibilities; like straightening up, cooking dinner for the kids while I am at work, or running an errand he told me he would. Past experiences shows me that if I don't call and ask and remind him, he doesn't do these things. So he told me that he doesn't do those things because I called and asked. Like he is repelling against me because I ask. So I told him ok, show me a couple times that you actually do the things I ask and I will stop asking. His response, "No you need to just stop asking."
Then there was yesterday. I was in the bathroom drying my hair when he came in. I asked him if was going to make coffee this morning. He said yes. So I said "ok well I have to leave in 30 mins." His response "ok bye." Then he chuckles and says he was just playing so he could lighten the mood. I told him sometimes his "playing" can be perceived as hurtful. Right when I was getting ready to leave we started talking about me changing the spark plugs. He starts talking down to me about how I don't know how to do it. I told him I do know how to change spark plugs and the way he was talking to me made me feel stupid. He told me I was taking it the wrong way. I told him that just like in the bathroom, sometimes his words seem hurtful to me and to please be aware of that. His response, "no you just need to stop taking things the wrong way."
It is becoming very hard the fact that he will not budge and work with me. It makes me not want to do the things he expects out of me. So we end up in this never ending cycle.
So now a question. What do my readers consider some of the core values in a relationship?
Happy Reading!