And again

Once again my day turned into hell.  I woke up and took the kids to school, got home around 7:30am, and immediately started working on the yard.  I got it all raked up and cleaned out the storage shed that my husband has been promising to do for the last month.  Then I hit the house and deep cleaned it.  I mean total all at, rearrange the kitchen, and scrub the tile of a four bedroom house deep clean.
My husband got home around two and sat down on the couch to watch tv.  I gave him over an hour to rest from work and then went out to the living room to nicely ask if he would help me.
"Do you want to help me please?"
"Later."
Those were the exact words.  So I didn't bother to ask again.  A Little bit later I make my way back into the kitchen.  It is completely torn apart so I can wipe out cupboards and rearrange it.
"You know cheap pizza would be good tonight since the kitchen is a mess."
"Ok go get it."
"I am really busy.  Would you go get it for us please?"
"I don't have any money."
"What happen to the 80 dollars you had this morning?"
"It's gone."
"Where did it go?"
"It's gone."
"Ok what happen to it?"
"I spent it."
"On what?"
"Stuff."
"Ok what stuff?"
"Stuff."
I go on to tell him how we are suppose to be building up communication in our relationship and he won't even talk to me about what he spent money on.  So I ask him if he would take some money from my purse and go get some cheap pizza.  He said no cause he didn't feel like pizza.  I asked him if he would do it to me nice to me and he said no.  I told him how I would like if occasionally he did something nice for me without me having to beg.  "Why?" was his answer.
Now remind you I am extremely pms ing right now, so I started to cry.  Some more time passes and he is getting ready for his evening job.  I pointed out that I moved my bed back into the room.  I even completely made it where it would be easy for us to snuggle at night.  A little random act of kindness because I knew how upset he has been that I have been sleeping in the living room.  I was proud of myself for doing that and told him how excited I was to lay down and cuddle with him tonight.
So I stay up and wait for him to come home from work.  He gets off at 10:10.  11:30 falls around and I call him, no answer.  This time I wasn't worried.  I knew he had decided to not come home.  I go to sleep and wake back up at one.  Still no husband and still no answer.  Now it is 5 am and I am awake and can't go back to sleep.  He is passed out in bed.  I have no clue what time he even bothered to come home.
Can't he be respectful enough to give me a call or txt mesg to let me know he was going out.  Especially after he knew how excited I was to have him come home after work.  Or even at least answer the phone.
I hate the man and I love him.  But everyday he keeps pushing me further and further away.  I can't wait to leave him.  I have already started the plan to where I will be able to support three kids on my own without him.  sometimes I wish I could tell him the plan so he knew how serious I was.  I want to tell him because he sits there so smug thinking I could never provide for myself and no one wants me.  I want to rub it in his face that soon I will be able to.  I just wish it was sooner rather than later.
I kind of also wish I had some guy that was interested in me.  Make my husband jealous and show him that I am a worth wild person.  Plus it would be really nice having the right attention come from a guy.  Plus the fact that I am so sex deprived.  It would do me wonders to have one good screw.  A night to just let go and fell like a real woman.
So for now I will just wait.  I will keep working on my plan and someday I won't have t worry about being sad and crying all the time.  Sometimes I wish I could make my plan just go a little faster.  But if I am patient; I won't have to go running back to him.  And I will finally have the life I deserve.

I am tired of being blamed

I am so tired of being blamed for everything. And the worst part is the blaming is behind my back, but I always find out about it. It is so hard to hang around people I used to know because of the stories they have been told. Plus the fact is that they are only hearing one side of the story and won't even take the time to hear the other side.
I am tired of being blamed for the house being dirty. It is said that I just come home and sit down like today. Well were they told that I worked 10 hours today while the other party was given the day off. And guess what the other party did all day. Played on the x box.
I am tired of being blamed that that person has to work two jobs. Well has he told anyone that one job only gives him 25 hours a week and the other gives him 15. That equals a standard 40 hour work week.
I am tired of being blamed for being so far behind in bills. I am working my butt off to try to get caught up. On average I work 55 hours a week. I am tired and exhausted and wish I could spend more time with my family.
I am tired of being blamed for why we didn't pay a "person" back yet. Well was it told that I first paid the rent and electricity so my kids had a roof over their heads. And grocery shopping so they have food in their bellies.
I am tired of being blamed for not being able to spend time together. Well was it said that I stayed up and waited only to have the other party decide to go to a bar without calling anybody. Or that a night both were free, I was told the other party would rather go to a party then be married to me.
I am tired of being yelled at for sleeping on the couch. I have explained that I sleep on the couch because it hurts to much to sleep in bed. I want so badly to be held. Instead I sleep alone on my side of the bed, while the other party sleeps as far away from me as possible. So really should it matter if I am in the bed or not when we already sleep 2 feet away from each other. Then being told if I slept in the bed things would be different. While I have been in the bed for the last for nights. and except for last night(when I was jumped on and tried to get sex out of me) not one hand has been laid on me. When asked I was told it was because it was uncomfortable to lay like that. Really, you can't even give me 5 mins of holding me. I am starving for affection.
Maybe I shouldn't care about what is being said, but it really affects me that people look down on me because of the lies coming out of one persons mouth.
I am fortunate that we have a friend in common that doesn't believe all the bull shit. She listens to my side of the story. And unlike all the other so called friends, she believes me about all the bull shit going on. This person makes everyone else believe that he is mister perfect and I am just being one big bitch. I hate it when I find out about another story that has been told about me. I want to yell at these people to open their fuckin eyes. You are being fed spoon fulls of bull shit and you like it.
I can't wait for the day I don't have to go through this anymore. If I stay strong and determined I will be able to do it.
That's all my ranting for tonight.
Happy reading!

So sad

Tonight I am so sad. My husband has a job at night from 7 to 10. I decided I would actually wait up for him. I was making an attempt on what has been nothing but a failed marriage. An hour after he was suppose to be home, I started to worry. I tried calling, but no answer. After a couple times of calling and no answer, I started to get really worried. As time passed I started to get more and more worried. I was shaking. He finally calls and he is at a bar.
I was going to surprise him by waiting up. Now I can't sleep. I'm up crying. Same thing I do a lot of nights. I am so sad right now. This is why I don't try anymore. Its why I just go through and live my life. I just wish so badly that things could be the way they used to be. When he couldn't wait to spend time with me. When he held me. When he would do nothing to hurt me.

My son is a butt head!

So this is my first day off in two weeks. Do I get to sleep in? No! My four year old wakes up at 6 am. All morning he has been running around with his head cut off. All morning he has been yelling at me and his sister; plus he has no patience this morning.

This morning was my husband's payday. We also had my "adopted" daughter Shauntelle spend the night. So I decided we would do donuts for breakfast. First we had to go get my husbands bank card and then gas. Aiden is sitting in his car seat in the back yelling at us that he wants donuts now. We tell him to hang on and we will go, then he starts crying.

We finally make it home and before I even put the car in park, he is crying that he wants out. I love my son to death. But it is only 9:15 and the whole house is ready to duct tape him to the wall.

I am tired of crying.

That's it, I am tired of crying. Plain and simple. No elaborate story as to why. Just I'm tired of crying.

Blog Dare 10/6/11

Saying goodbye

So today's blog dare's topic was saying goodbye.  When i read it I instantly thought of my mother.  She passed away two and a half years ago and I never had a chance to say goodbye.  My relationship with my mother wasn't a very loving one.  We had not said "I love you" to each other in over ten years.  Something I have regretted since the day she passed away.
We never expected that we would lose her so soon.  She was only 57 years old.  A major asthma attack had sent her into a heart attack.  She last oxygen for 45 mins.  They brought her back, but by that point she was brain dead.  My mom was a nurse and we knew that she did not want to remain on life support.  So when the test came back that she was officially brain dead, we honored her wishes and signed for the hospital to pull the plug.  We also signed the paper work for her to donate any organs.
After we had signed the paper work.  I leaned over and gave my sleeping mother a hug and a kissed her.  I said my final goodbye.  Everyone tells me that she knew I loved her and said goodbye.  It still doesn't feel the same as saying it to her when she was conscious.  So everyday i regret how long it had been since I told my mother I loved her.
Now with my kids i make sure to tell them 2 or 3 times a day that I love them.  I don't want them to have that same regret.

The test

Last night I decided to administer a test.  Yesterday I worked from 8:30am to 6:30pm.  when I got home my husband was leaving for work.  He works 3 hours in the evening.  I got home, ate dinner, swept and mopped the house, and did 3 loads of laundry.  I did not put the laundry away.  When I took the clothes out of the dryer, I piled them up on the couch.

This morning I got up to go to work.  I had to be to work at 8:30am again.  I took the kids to school.  My husband did not work today.  Now if you read any of my other posts, my husband claims that he gets mad when I ask him to do things.  That he would do things on his own if I didn't ask.  So when I left for work I did not say anything about the laundry.  I worked again today until 6:30pm, and guess what I found when I got home:

The test was to see if he did do things on his own without me asking.  The proof shows that he doesn't.  And he wonders why I treat him like a child.  When I got home I found him playing games on the computer.  No kids or work all day.  I can only assume he played games all day.

10 Things I Want To Do To My House

Last May I moved into this wonderful house.  My friend needed to move to another city and needed someone to rent her house.  So I got a four bedroom house for less than $900 a month.  Finally, the kids have their own rooms.  They are so much happier.  The house is still in really good shape, but there are some things I would like to do to it.  So here is the list of ten things I would like to do to my house:

1) Line my driveway and porch with a brick barrier.  My front yard is a sand pit that comes up to the same level as my porch and driveway.  So i want to make an edging around that whole are to keep all the sand from being tracked onto the porch and then inside to my house.

2) Extend my driveway all the way to the road.  My driveway currently stops about 5 feet before the main road and is filled with rocks.  I want to lay a cement slap to extend my driveway all the way to the road.

3) New kitchen cabinets.  The kitchen cabinets are this awful white and stained from years of greasy cooking.

4) Fix my bathtub handles.  My bathtub handles are stripped.  So when you try to turn on the water, you have to push the handle back on.  And then once you let go it falls back down.  It is more annoying then anything.

5) Paint my whole house.  I promised my kids they could pick what color they wanted to paint there rooms.

6) Lay done wood flooring.  Right now we have tile and carpet in the rooms.  The carpet is a little frayed in the doorways.  It is livable, but I really want wood flooring.

7) Plant a flower garden.  The previous tenant tried to put a flower garden next to the front door.  It is not completely shambled.  I want to redo it.

8)  Replace my stove and fridge.  Again, completely usable, but I want new nicer ones.

9)  Install a dishwasher.  I hate always doing dishes by hand.

10) Replace the blinds.  They are old and broken.  I want to replace them.

Call me strange

So call me strange, but I actually get excited when I see I have a new follower.  I am still so new to blogging and my list is small but few.  But it is so nice to know that what I write is actually being viewed.  so for once I am not just talking to myself lol.  Comments!  Comments!  Comments!  I enjoy other peoples view (yes even the occasional criticism), but I am having fun with this and glad I started blogging!

On a side note, I wish the spell check would give you an add option so it will stop telling me all my lol are spelled wrong :)

Core values of a marriage

What are the core values of a marriage? I guess in every marriage it would be different depending on what the couple believes in. To me one of the big ones would be trust and honesty. I would also consider respect as a core value. Maybe teamwork too. Oh and what about appreciation?
Now what if the couple does not see eye to eye on some of the core values? My husband and I do not see eye to eye on a core value I hold very high: compromise. I believe that couples should be able to compromise and reach agreements that will keep both party's happy. The last couple weeks my husband has not been willing to compromise one little bit.
Anyone who read my last post knows about my husband not going to make the car payment.
The next day we got into an argument. You see I always will call up and ask my husband if he has done his basic responsibilities; like straightening up, cooking dinner for the kids while I am at work, or running an errand he told me he would. Past experiences shows me that if I don't call and ask and remind him, he doesn't do these things. So he told me that he doesn't do those things because I called and asked. Like he is repelling against me because I ask. So I told him ok, show me a couple times that you actually do the things I ask and I will stop asking. His response, "No you need to just stop asking."
Then there was yesterday. I was in the bathroom drying my hair when he came in. I asked him if was going to make coffee this morning. He said yes. So I said "ok well I have to leave in 30 mins." His response "ok bye." Then he chuckles and says he was just playing so he could lighten the mood. I told him sometimes his "playing" can be perceived as hurtful. Right when I was getting ready to leave we started talking about me changing the spark plugs. He starts talking down to me about how I don't know how to do it. I told him I do know how to change spark plugs and the way he was talking to me made me feel stupid. He told me I was taking it the wrong way. I told him that just like in the bathroom, sometimes his words seem hurtful to me and to please be aware of that. His response, "no you just need to stop taking things the wrong way."
It is becoming very hard the fact that he will not budge and work with me. It makes me not want to do the things he expects out of me. So we end up in this never ending cycle.
So now a question. What do my readers consider some of the core values in a relationship?
Happy Reading!

Blog dare 9/29/11

The item of clothing I just can't bring myself to throw away.

It is this old ragged sweater I stole from my husband when we first got together 5 years ago. It is blue and black and has a picture of a rapper cartoon on the front of it. The funny part is I can't stand rap. I like to listen to metal and all that headbanging stuff. But this sweater is oversized and so comfortable. It is soft and keeps me warm during cold winter days. I can't stand winters and I live in Arizona lol. Plus it has a hoodie for me to cover up and keep extra warm.
This sweater has been through so much. When I wear it I can think of some memories I have in it. There is stains and holes all over it. I always say the stains and holes gives it character and that it has its own personality. Several of my family members have tried to sneak it out to the trash, but they have yet to succeed. As long as my sweater is in one piece it will remain in my possesion.

I married an ass!

Today was a really "fun" day. It reminded me of what an ass I married. It started out good. Got up in time and felt well rested. Made it to work early. Today was also payday and we had a lot to catch up on. During lunch I called my husband. He was already out of work and had been to the bank. This was around 12:30. I asked him if he could go make a car payment since it was already two weeks late. I asked him not to spend any other money until we sat down and went over what bills we need to pay. We are so far behind on our bills and scrimping to catch up.
I also talked to my husband about my car. It is running awful and sometimes dies at stop lights. I told him if we had enough money after bills I wanted to start with the spark plugs and maybe get the alternator tested. He said he wanted to replace the spark plug wires. I do know a thing or two about cars. The wires are still in good condition and do not need to be replaced. So I asked him not to buy them.
Later during the day I found out we had a refresh and once again I would be working late. I called my husband to see if he could bring me something since I didn't bring a lunch. This was around two. He whined about having to go and pick up the kids. He had an hour and a half tell he had to pick up the kids. He was just being a jerk about it.
So I finally got out of work 2 hours late. I called my husband. He was at home. I asked if he had gone down and made the car payment. He said no. When I asked him why he didn't he said he didn't have enough time. He had 3 hours since the time he left the bank and had to go pick up the kids. I asked him what he was doing and he said he wanted to go home and then he went to the auto store. He picked up the stuff I asked him not to buy and some "stuff" for his car.
Now understand we have already spent over 4000 dollars on his car. He has had a new transmission put in. Loads of work done. And a new stereo system with a dvd player. A couple weeks ago after his last car project, I asked him to put a hold on his car and work on mine. My car is barely running. So even after I asked him not to spend any money tell after we went over bills, he went and spent it anyways, and it was all for himself. By the end of the day I had just had enough. I was so mad I even posted on facebook what an ass he was. Something I try to sugarcoat when I post on facebook so no one knows how bad it really is. Plus we have some friends in common. As always stories get twisted around about what I posted and he tells them I am lying and just being a bitch. Part of the reason we have so little friends in common. He has told so many stories about me that everyone thinks I am just over reacting and I am to blame. So usually I try to keep it subtle so not to stir up anything else. Guess one to many buttons were pushed today.
Well there is my vent for the day.
Happy Reading!

My other blog is lonely

Visit me on my other blog: http://mommyandme-aaa.blogspot.com/.  It is lonely and needs some attention.
Happy Reading!

KITTENS!!!!

The kittens are here!  The kittens are here!  I don't know who is more excited, me or the kids lol.  So last night our momma cat was acting a little crazy.  So we had the feeling she was going to deliver soon.  I feel asleep on the couch.  At 1:30 in the morning I woke up to go to bed.  I found her under the bed having the kittens.  She is a first time mom and still young herself, so she was having some difficulties.  I was able to mover her and the two already born out from under the bed and into the bin.  I woke my daughter up cause I promised her I would if she had them.  So I had to help deliver a couple and help her get them cleaned up.  The whole time my daughter kept going "Eww gross.  Mom your not going to touch that.  Eww she's eating it.  Eww mom!"  It was funny listening to her.  She had seven total, but sadly the runt died a few minutes after birth. I know there is a kitty heaven out there for him or her.

Then a funny thing today.  I also have a 7 month old kitten.  The now momma cat helped raise her so she allowed the 7 month old to come in the bed with her and the babies.  Until the kitten decided it was time to play, and the she kicked her out.

So for those of you wondering.  Yes she will be fixed after this.  And for now we are going to enjoy the kittens until it is time for them to find a good home.

Happy Reading!

Taking bets!

So this weekend I am taking bets on what my house will look like Sunday night.  Let me give you a little background before you make the bet.  My husband is not the best caretaker in the world and he is lazy.  His idea of watching the children is yelling down the hall while he sits on the couch.  When I come home from work and ask why the living room is so messy, he tells me to ask the kids.  Lunch time is a free for all.  He lets them grab whatever they want and eat in the living room.  The kids have total control of the house.
When you ask him to help clean up, it is half assed.  His idea of doing laundry is taking the clothes out of the dryer and leaving them in the basket for me to put away.  I have to re-dry them to get rid of the wrinkles.  If you ask him to clean the bathroom he takes everything and shoves it under the cabinet.  All the cleaning supplies are under the kitchen sink.  They have been there since we lived there.  If you ask him where they are he will look at you and say, "I don't know."
This weekend the husband does not work and I do.  In fact I have two 12 hour days ahead of me since we had someone quit last week.  So now I am taking bets on what my house will look like by Sunday night.  My bet is it will look like a tornado landed on my house.  Does anybody else have any bets?

The perfect date

Last night I had the perfect date.  The evening was perfect.  It started with a nice warm bubble bath.  The candle light flickered off the walls.  The smell of wild flowers filling the hair.  And me totally at ease.  Than my date progressed to a movie and snuggling.  It was so quite and peaceful.  No trying to listen to the tv over screaming children.  I was so warm and cozy snuggling up on the couch.
Who was my date companion you ask.  It was me, myself, and I.  That's right.  A date with myself.  Being a mother of three kids and a wife to a "pita" husband; dates with myself are the best kind.  The kids went to bed early.  I filled up the top with hot water and my favorite bubble bath, then lit some candles for affect.  I laid there and just let my body soak up the warm water.  Closing my eyes, I let my other senses take everything in.  Then me and my favorite comforter snuggled up on the couch to watch a movie.  I woke up the next morning feeling so rejuvenated, that I couldn't help but agree to a second date.

Friday Night Fight Night

In this corner weighing in at --- pounds, Mommy.  And the challenger, weighing in at 40 pounds, Aiden the four year old.  This is scheduled for an endless amount of rounds.  First to give wins.
So during my staycation I noticed that my four year old is a royal spoiled brat.  If he doesn't get what he wants he throws a fit and gets it.  I have been watching him and seen his little mind twisting around.  It hasn't been always like this.  Before he went into custody I had no problem with discipline.  But since he came home a year ago, things have changed.  I am finding myself working a lot more and sometimes to tired to wait it out.  My husband who is now sober, doesn't have the patience to wait out his temper tantrums.  Also there is his medical issues.  He is early adhd and has a hearing delay that has slowed him down slightly.  Because of his age it is difficult finding a doctor to work with him.  But no problem, my 11 year old had the same issues and i survived him.
However Aiden has a new issue; hypo-sensory disorder.  This is where he does not get enough stimulation from everyday activities.  So to stimulate himself he becomes a dare devil.  Most parents would freak if they saw their four year old trying to climb to the rough.  Not me.  I am used to catching him doing those kinds of things.  But it takes a toll on me, I am so exhausted.  He can not be left alone for a minute.  And with my husbands inability to tolerate him, guess who gets all the work.
So during my staycation I decided I was not going to give into his temper tantrums.  I was going to keep doing all my daily routines and he can scream it out all he wants.  Boy does that kid have a set of lungs on him and stubborn as can be.  He gets that from his mom lol.  After a little while he moves on and then it starts again.  I keep telling myself that I have to be patient.  If I stay firm soon the tantrums will be over with.
Now I got to get the whole family not to give into his ways.  Tonight I was giving the girls a haircut.  Aiden would not leave us alone and kept trying to climb on the girls lap.  So I locked him out of the room.  He sat outside the door, screaming and kicking at it.  Then my husband comes in and tells me he is getting out of the house cause all the screaming is giving him a headache.  Really, you think.  Because tyenol has become my new best friend.  I know as Aiden gets older he will grow out of it, but tell then, we will see who can stand their ground the longest.

Ok some advice please

I need some tips and tricks about my blog page.  Today I could not post a comment to yesterdays edition.  It said my account does not allow that.  And how do I customize my page.  Help!!!!!!!!!!!

Physical Attraction

Can a person love someone that they are not physically attracted to? In my case the answer is yes. Despite all the bad mumblings I say about my husband, I do really care for him. Yet I have no physical attraction to him and do not want to be intimate with him. You see, over the last couple of years he has let go of himself. He does not take care of himself or his appearance. It will be several days before he takes a shower. The worst part of that is he works as a septic tank pumper/cleaner. A very stinky job. He also shaves only once every other week and will not trim his mustache so it starts going into his mouth.
I am not attracted to a man that does not take care of himself. I have tried to sit down and talk to him about how I feel, but that goes nowhere. He says if I love him I should want to be intimate with him no matter what.  I don't think that is the case.  At night i would ask him to shower and shave before bed. Now i am the demanding wife who treats him like a child. Really, cause i don't have a problem getting my three kids to take a shower. I have offered to take showers with him, but that is not to productive. The last couple of days I have even refused to kiss him. His mustache is so long and puffy that it runs into his mouth. It feels gross to kiss him.
So last night he goes in and takes a shower and shaves. Then he comes out in the living room and asks me to go back to the bedroom with him. I was not interested. "But I showered and shaved," he protests. If he had listen to me the hundred and one previous times I have tried to explain to him; he would know that taking one shower is not going to make me want to jump his bones. I am attracted to someone who regularly takes care of themselves and is proud of their appearence. Maybe one of these days he will get it through that rock of his. Until then I am deprived of any intimacy.

My first blog

This is my very first blog.  Yep, I have never blogged once in my life.  Recently I started reading a friends blog.  She and I are alike in many ways; which encouraged me to start blogging.  I thought for my first blog I would give you a little background about myself.  That way it will be easier to follow along if you read future blogs from me.
My name is Shannon and I am 31 years old.  I live in Arizona with my husband and kids.  I work in a retail store for the cell phone industry.  You could probably list me as extremely middle class.  Most of my blogs will be about my family life.  There is a reason I picked the blog name I did.  My husband and I marriage is not very good.  I love the man, but he is a complete idiot.  I almost named this blog "dear idiot."  As you follow along you will learn what I mean.
My kids are my life.  They keep me going.  I lost custody of them for a year from a cps case.  I am not ashamed of this.  It made me a stronger person and appreciate family more.  There is alot I want to accomplish out of life for both me and my children.
One of the reasons I started blogging is to get things out.  I have only a couple people I can talk to and I don't see them very often.  I do not have any family support and most people around me do not know what I really go through.  Maybe through blogging I can find some support.  Or at least clear my head.
Hope you enjoy,
Shannon